Start your life in the middle of the jungle
ALOOOOOHA! I'm alive! I can't believe it's already the second week of February! I don't know why I'm using exclamation points after every sentence!
But really, I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote. And once again, I am amazed and so grateful for every single person that uses my posting habits as a gauge for my mental wellness and checks in on me. The texts, messages and phone calls are so sweet and so very appreciated. I don't have any mind blowing news or life-altering “a-ha” moments to share and this might be the most boring post yet but I figured I'd reassure everyone that I haven't been eaten by eels or acupunctured to death in my sleep or anything.
I'm more than halfway through my contract here on the Big Island and I honestly can't believe it's gone by so fast. It felt like I was going to have to wait AGES for my bestie to come visit at the end of January and suddenly it's been almost 2 weeks since she went home. Having her here was truly life saving. I was really starting to feel the pains of homesickness and wasn't sure I would make it to the end of my contract in one piece. Enter Meliss with her bee-boppin', mad lip syncing, endless laughing, inside joke sharing, secret stashing, videographing, down for anything goodness and suddenly I'm feeling 30 again. Which would make her 19 again and when you look at it that way, seems a little awkward...but still. She brings out the best in me and I don't know what I'd do without her.
Not gonna lie. I've struggled since she left. I spent the first 4 weeks here avoiding extended conversations with my neurotic little housemate which meant that outside of work, the only things I communicated with regularly were the geckos in my room. (And ever since Melissa was here and murdered one of them - see above video - they've been awfully standoffish.) So having her with me for 6 days of non-stop talking, laughing or snoring (she swore it was because she was congested...she wasn't) left me feeling emptier and lonelier than I'd anticipated. I miss my kids. I miss my friends. I miss having my own judgment free kitchen where I can stock as much diet coke as I want without shame.
That being said, I AM in Hawaii. I get to go to the beach anytime I want. I haven't had to scrape ice off of my car or worry about snot freezing to my face one time. I love the people here and all of their goodness. I needed a clean break from the mess my life had become like I need air and I feel incredibly blessed to be able to heal in the middle of paradise. It's funny the perspective this adventure has given me. I came with almost nothing and haven't missed a single "thing" that I left at home. And I left a LOT of stuff. (Can you say “yard sale” when I get home?) Before I left I was stuck in a self-induced isolation. I avoided running into people, never answered my phone and only occasionally responded to texts. Now, I miss people and relationships and connections and community and those are the things I'm anxious to get home to.
I have less than 6 weeks left on this contract and I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do next. I have to make a conscious effort not to think about that too much or the fear and anxiety start creeping back up to melt-down-mode. The miracle of all miracles is that I'm learning that those are the days I need to pack a book, some headphones and a diet coke and head to the beach instead of my natural urge to crawl into bed with my Netflix account. I'm learning that those are the days I only allow myself to listen to my new and upbeat "Hawaii" playlist instead of any of those old sentimental compilations. I'm learning that those are the days I need to call my mom or my bestie or my kids and actually communicate with people instead of scrolling through old pictures on social media, reminiscing about things I can't get back. I'm learning to focus on gratitude in my prayers instead of asking for answers to all of life's unknowns. I'm learning that so far, my track record is 100% when it comes to getting through each day and there's no reason to dwell on anything other than the fact that things always work out eventually.
The night before Melissa came, I had a little meltdown and gave in to loneliness, regret and the great unknown and cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning to a text from JD that I've reread almost every single day since. Among the many sweet and amazing things he said, he told me he knew I was where I was supposed to be, to keep working hard and know that I have so many people that love me back home. Then in true JD fashion, he told me he'd added this song for me on our shared playlist.
Just of few of my favorite lines:
And if you want I can tell the truth
that this life takes a toll on you.
I spend nights stitching up the loose threads of my soul;
in the morning I'm bulletproof.
Keep your time,
keep your mind,
keep humble.
Start your life in the middle of the jungle.
Rub your eyes,
be surprised,
stay hungry.
Try to lose all of your money...
I'm not sure if there's anything to this theory but I've decided that the goodness of your kids is a direct correlation to how screwed up you are as a human because I've been PRETTY screwed up but my kids are so, so good. (And don't worry dad. I'm not trying to lose all of my money.)
So yeah. That’s all I’ve got for you today but I think you’ll agree it’s enough. While I hope to constantly learn and grow and have sweet little “a-ha” moments for the rest of my life, I don’t miss the emotional roller coaster I felt strapped to for so long and it’s a pretty good feeling to NOT feel the need to work through devastating moments via blog posts. Ya know? Sometimes silence really is golden...or at least good enough.
I’m gonna get back to this life I started in the middle of the jungle. Feel free to book a trip to see me anytime!
XOXO ~Ames
