Un-bully-vable
I was bullied yesterday.
I feel awkward saying that because it’s not something I’ve ever experienced, especially as a 41 year old woman. But if any of you follow my personal instagram, you would have seen a story I posted using a silly eye-bugging, voice-changing filter. I used the filter because I think it’s funny. I think it makes the telling of a marginally funny story a little bit funnier. I’ve been homesick and counting down the days till I get to be home with my babies but I also feel ungrateful complaining about life when I’m living in paradise. By using a silly (albeit, annoying) filter, I feel like I can make light of a situation without being a Debbie Downer. That’s it.
Apparently, it really offended someone. I don’t know her. I don’t follow her and didn’t know a single thing about her until she starting messaging me last night in response to my story. She has followed my blogs since my very first recovery post almost 4 years ago and feels like she knows me, “as much as she needs to”. Not really sure what that means, but we all know that regardless of how authentic you try/claim to be on social media, you are still only sharing BITS of information. I was really bothered to think that the glimpses of my story that have been shared mean a complete stranger knows me. I don’t even feel like I completely know myself, for crying out loud! Anyway, long story short, she told me the only reason I use obnoxious filters is because I’m self conscious over never having Botox and that if I want 58% of people to watch/listen to my entire silly IG stories, I need to stop using “obnoxious loud mouth filters”. Not sure where she came up with the 58%. She went on to tell me she had once found hope and help through my stories...until now...and that she was so disappointed. All because of a filter.
Then she blocked me.
Fuming, I immediately screenshot all of the messages and sent them to the bestie. She responded with shocked bestie-appropriate reassurance then flipped a little when she realized this person, whom she actually does know, had blocked her too. The whole thing was so strange and foreign to me and it really starting eating away at me. I know that sounds a little immature on my part, but I’ve been awfully vulnerable and intimate in the sharing of some of my scariest stories and to have my authenticity questioned by a complete stranger really got to me.
It was getting late on the mainland and the bestie had nodded off mid-rant, so I grabbed my scriptures in an effort to forget mean girls with their wide set you-know-what’s. (Mean Girls reference, sorry.) Anyway, I was reading in 2 Nephi 33 where Nephi is talking about charity and I turned to a cross-reference in Moroni 7: 45-48:
45: And charity suffered long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46: Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail —
47: But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48: Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.
I started to flip to another cross-reference and this quote fell out of my scriptures:
I’ve held on to a lot of hurt and anger and resentment over events and relationships in my life over the last year in particular. While at times I feel like I’ve let it all go, I realized how quick to anger and how easily I shift blame when I think about the trials I’ve faced and the circumstances that have resulted. I start to beat myself up with regret over past decisions and the way they altered the course of my life. I start to feel sorry for myself which results in fear and anxiety over loss of control and the unknown future and well...it’s a vicious and unhealthy cycle that I’ve struggled to master.
So last night, thanks to a weird little cyber bully, I had the chance to have a pretty intense conversation with the Big Guy in an attempt to redirect my focus. I need to be less easily provoked; more full of hope; willing to endure; love more completely. There is no denying that I have felt angels in the midst of my trials and subsequently been driven back to a more complete reliance on my Savior. I have no doubt that I very easily could’ve coasted away to a mediocre, selfish and unfulfilled life had I not been brought to my knees through these hardships. I also know that this is in no way the end...that I can expect many more experiences that will humble and refine me throughout this life and while that is sometimes scary to think about, it’s also amazing to know that I am loved enough by my God to be given the opportunities to try again...and again...and again.
To the bully who will probably never read this since they blocked me, I forgive you and thank you for causing me to do a little more soul-searching than I had intended last night. To the others who I’ve felt hurt or betrayed by, I forgive you and sincerely hope for your happiness. And to myself, you’re the hardest bugger to reconcile with but I’m working on forgiving you, too.
XOXO ~Ames
P.S. This picture was taken this morning, fresh out of bed, showcasing as many wrinkles as possible with no filters that might inadvertently distract from the authenticity of this post. Of course, it was taken outside because the light is better and I really don’t want to look like a complete troll if at all possible. But if you’re interested in a funny little story using obnoxious filters, I’ll save it to my Instagram (@aimersue) profile for a little while longer. Just know that in real life my eyes aren’t that big, my voice isn’t that high and my situation really isn’t so bad.
