Opposites attract

I woke up this morning with a kinked neck.  You know, the kind where you move like a robot the entire day, turning your whole torso in order to move your head.  I don’t know how I’ve managed to make it this far into my adult life without ever experiencing this but I gotta say, it’s the worst.  It’s made me nauseous all day and trying to lift my arms above my head to do my hair this morning literally had me in tears.  Getting old ain’t for the weak, that’s for sure.

Anyway, the past couple of weeks I’ve thought a lot about opposites and the way we learn and grow from them and today’s whole neck ordeal was enough to get me to actually sit down and write about it.  I’ve really taken the ability to look over my shoulder without wincing for granted, it turns out.  I have a newfound appreciation for an unkinked neck.  The last year has been a series of contrasting emotions and trials and more than ever, I’m realizing the point of opposition in all things.

First of all, I gotta say, I’m doing better than I have in a very long time.  Thank you to each of you who continually reach out when the blog goes quiet for awhile.  I always say that I only have good blog material when my life is falling apart so in this case, it’s a really good thing that there haven’t been any new posts in a long time.  That being said, those who know me know I go “dark” when things aren’t great and I appreciate all of you who check in…just in case.  The good news is, nothing is falling apart right now.  In fact, I’ve actually been writing a lot because I finally started the dang book I’ve been saying I was going to write for so long.  I’ve written about 1/3 of what I hope will eventually turn into a real-life-pick-it-up-on-Amazon piece of work. But in the meantime, all the book writing has taken the place of the blog writing, hence the “silence”.

Oh the stories we could tell... 

Anyway, back to the point of this post.  This weekend I had the chance to drive up to Idaho and celebrate the wedding of the girl who literally saved my life this year.  A lot of you know her as “the other woman” and our friendship was born out of drama and chaos during a very messed up time of both of our lives.  (I’ll save the details of that story for another time for those of you who don’t know it already.)  She is the one person in the entire world who lived through the same experiences with the same man and the only person I’ve ever felt could truly relate to the roller coaster my life has been the last few years.  Looking back, I never would have expected her to be the life preserver I would cling to when I didn’t think I could hold my head above water another second but the Lord works in mysterious ways and I know we were placed in each other’s lives for a very specific reason.

The gorgeous newlyweds and little ole me

This girl is the younger, prettier, smarter version of me and she was strong enough to walk away from the toxic relationship we had in common a couple of years before me. We didn’t stay in contact much during this time because she knew she had to completely remove herself from every aspect of that life in order to move on and heal. We didn’t talk a whole lot even when my divorce was final but she knew the hell I was going through because she had lived a very similar one and when she reached out to me on my birthday this last year, it was a godsend. She told me the next year would quite possibly be the hardest year of my life but she also promised me that there was a light and a happiness at the end of that dark tunnel. She empathized with every crazy emotion and thought I had and told me that eventually, those would go away; that the dreams would stop, the tears would dry, the fear would subside. She promised me that if I took the time to reinvest in myself and my journey, that I would come out the other side better than ever. It was something I could have heard a million times from a million different people but it wouldn’t have held any weight compared to when she said it. I clung to that conversation over the next several months and often reached out to her when I was struggling the most. She was in a happy, healthy relationship with a man who adored her. She was secure in herself and him and she was thriving. She was a constant reminder that I would get through this, even when it felt like the impossible.

Fast forward to Saturday night and getting to meet her amazing new husband at her new little corner of paradise up in Idaho. Her happiness was intoxicating. It was a stark contrast to my wedding less than two years ago and the joy that was felt on Saturday put to rest a lot of the regrets and demons I’ve had over the last year. Seeing her “happily ever after” emphasized how miserable I really had been the last few years and what a blessing it is to be at the point in my life that I am now.

Just as my kinked neck reminded me how great it is to be healthy, the peace I have right now reminds me how bad my life had gotten just one year ago.  The lack of anxiety, worry and fear have showcased how dark life can be when it’s controlled by those emotions.  Not having my temple recommend and the ability to attend the temple whenever I wanted has made me appreciate that gift more than ever in my life now.  Hangovers and a clouded mind have made sobriety and clarity feel that much more precious.  We have to experience the bad to fully appreciate the good.  It’s been that way since the dawn of time and realizing that has taken away the sting of all the bad decisions I made that got me where I am today.  They still suck, don’t get me wrong.  But they have given me a newfound appreciation for good choices, regardless of how small or insignificant they seem at the time.

I am nowhere near where I want to be in life but I’m a helluva lot closer than I was a year ago.  I’m happy, at peace and don’t have near the number of meltdowns I used to.  Granted, there have been some close calls, but I’m learning how to deal with those in a healthy way and I’m not afraid of the struggle anymore.  I have had miracle after miracle in my life since I started asking for them and I am humbled at the generosity of my God, my family, my friends and even complete strangers.  I don’t deserve the gifts in my life but believe me when I say I APPRECIATE them.

Once again, I have to thank everyone who has come along this journey with me, both directly and indirectly. It takes a village and mine is extraordinary. I am so grateful for every text, comment, phone call, thought, prayer and act of service I have been the recipient of and I only hope I can return the favor to each and every one of you in one way or another.  And to the anonymous angel who left a check with my landlord this week: from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.  There is so much good in the world and the knowledge of that makes it really hard to focus on the bad.  I love you all!

XOXO ~Ames

Talk about a good sport...