Let it go
It’s been a weird week. Scratch that. It’s been a weird month. There have been a couple of major life events that in all fairness, could’ve and should’ve sent me into meltdown mode, Ames style. However, the events themselves aren’t what’s weird, although they’ve definitely caused their share of havoc. The weirdness lies in how I’ve chosen to handle them and the power (or lack thereof) I’ve given them.
I’ve mentioned it a thousand times before, but about a year and a half ago, when the stress of my life, my marriage and my impending divorce were starting to take their toll on me, I gained over a third of my body weight within a matter of months. I saw doctors, had labs done, tried every anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication on the market but the weight persisted. I felt powerless. I had spent nearly 40 years of my life without ever really having to worry about my weight and suddenly I obsessed about it. I went back to the doctors, had more tests done, certain that they would find something that would explain it all away but considering the state of my life at the time, everyone I saw essentially chalked it up to stress and blew me off.
I’ve been my current weight for well over a year now and I can count on two hands the number of new clothing items I’ve purchased, even though nothing…and I mean NOTHING in my closet fits. I simply refuse to resign myself to the fact that this is who I am now. It’s not about vanity or being thin. It’s about feeling healthy and comfortable in my own skin. It’s about getting the confidence I once exuded back. And honestly, it’s the fact that I can’t afford to restock my whole wardrobe, dammit.
Anyway, over the last year, I’ve learned a tremendous amount about who I am, why I handle hard times the way I do and the power I have to change it. I was lucky enough to start this journey in Hawaii, where it was almost impossible to let anything get me down even though I knew all of my problems would still be home waiting for me. I couldn’t help but feel peace and safety while I was there and because of that, as happy as I was, I spent an inordinate amount of time crying and really feeling the emotions I’d become so savvy at burying. By the time I got home, I’d started reading anything I could get my hands on to help me understand the power of my mind and started using meditation more than ever as a way to disconnect when I would start to feel the pressure build again. I started breaking up all of my worries into tiny bite size pieces and tackling things one at a time and by doing so, even when hell sent a new round of fury, I started to realize I would still be OK. I started a job I loved that offered me a chance to really lose myself in helping others and suddenly none of my problems seemed as big anymore. Don’t get me wrong, none of this was easy but I remained committed to putting in the work. And you know what? One day I looked back and realized I wasn’t running from Goliath anymore. In fact, I’d stopped running at all and was taking my time, enjoying the ride.
I think most people decide to start therapy when life is at it’s worst but for me, it was the opposite. I knew I had years of buried material I needed help sorting through but I didn’t feel strong enough to tackle any of it just yet. It wasn’t until about a month ago, after realizing I’d felt genuinely happy for quite some time that I decided to take the plunge. I’m not just talking about my mental state, either. I had such an exponentially decreased amount of stress in my life that I knew stress could no longer be blamed for my physical state anymore. I made appointments on back to back days with my therapist at Addo Recovery (which I HIGHLY recommend) and a new, wholistic clinic called The Health Spot that utilizes both medical doctors as well as functional medicine practitioners in an effort to see the whole picture when it comes to a healthy body.
I love my therapist. I had seen him one time back when my life first started crumbling so it was nice to be able to jump right in without feeling like I had to start my story from the beginning. He is a genius when it comes to spirituality and the power of the mind and it has been an awesome experience to build on the things I’d been researching, learning and implementing on my own. Not to mention, he has an uncanny way of calling me out when he feels like I’m giving the answers I think I’m supposed to give, as opposed to how I’m really feeling. The accountability has been life changing.
The Health Spot came highly recommended by a friend who’d actually interviewed to work there, even though she’d chosen to accept a different position. She had been so impressed by the whole operation that I couldn’t wait for my first visit. All I can say is…WOW. From the minute I walked in, I knew that I was working with a team that was determined to figure out what was going on with my body. They drew a dozen vials of blood, swabbed my cheeks for genetic testing and performed a “Bio Meridian” test using various pressure points on my hands and feet to determine which areas of my body were inflamed. And even though they told me I had to give up my beloved Diet Coke, I walked out of there with a bag full of herbal supplements tailored to a protocol built specifically for me and a whole lot of hope.
One of my dearest friends from Cirque
Last weekend, I was able to participate in a reunion at Cirque Lodge, where I received treatment for my alcoholism 4 years ago. Not only was it amazing to catch up with old friends and mentors, it was invigorating to be immersed in the world of recovery for a couple of days. One of my very favorite activities was called “Soul Painting”. Essentially, we meditated for ten minutes and then were told to open our eyes and paint. Without even thinking, I immediately started painting an image I had of the noise in my head that looked an awful lot like sound waves. Let me clarify: I don’t presume myself to be an artist and when I picked up my paint brush, I really didn’t know what to expect. What I ended up with was a canvas full of colors ranging from bright and happy, to dark and moody - a perfect representation of the thoughts in my head at any given time. The painting seemed a little plain, so I painted the words “Let It Go” over the top of it all and called it a work of art.
I loved my little painting so much that I immediately hung it in my bedroom when I got home that night and as I was hanging it, I wondered what the sound waves of my voice screaming “Let It Go” would actually look like. Wouldn’t you know it, there’s an app for that. So I recorded myself screaming and then compared it to my little piece of art and immediately knew what I was going to do next. You see, five years ago, when I was still in the throes of alcoholism and madly in love with my future ex-husband, I let him talk me into tattooing his name on my shoulder. We had been dating for three whole months by then. Granted, he wanted it in Chinese and the three symbols that made up his name actually had pretty amazing meanings when used independently so I figured, “What the hell?”.
Then
Fast forward five years, a miserable marriage and horrendous divorce later and I’ve spent the last year trying to come up with something to cover that stupid tattoo with that would actually mean something to me. Less than 24 hours after creating my little masterpiece, I had covered up a tattoo I’d come to despise with a design that was literally me screaming to let it go. I’m not just talking about letting go of my ex or the last five years or all the mistakes I’ve made, either. It’s a representation of what I’ve been working so hard to master - the ability to let things go, whether they are from yesterday, today or tomorrow. It’s a reminder to feel instead of bury, to live instead of hide, to be granted the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Now.
I was supposed to have a follow up visit with The Health Spot yesterday to review my lab results and evaluate how my treatment had been going so far. On Thursday, I tried to call and reschedule it until the first of November for insurance reasons. Within about 20 minutes of calling to reschedule, they called me back and told me that the doctor was not OK with me waiting, regardless of the reason. She told me I needed to be seen and I could work out payment later, regardless of how long it would take me. Let me tell you, when you get a call that your doctor is not OK with you delaying your appointment to review your lab work, you panic a little. But I also reminded myself that I’d gone to see them for answers and regardless of what they were, I’d deal with it, one little bite at a time.
When I got to the clinic, the MA gave me a copy of my lab work and led me to a room to wait for the physicians to come in and review them with me. Obviously being a nurse, I didn’t waste any time scouring the numbers of the dozens of tests that were run. Right off the bat I noticed that my testosterone level was non-existent and I was thrilled! I’d known there was a reason my body was hanging on to all my excess weight and it was such a relief to be looking at an answer right in front of me. I immediately got giddy at the thought of being prescribed some supplemental testosterone and being filled with energy and weight loss, even if it meant shaving my chin for awhile. I skimmed over several more pages of numbers I didn’t understand and then got to the last page and my heart sank. My eyes instantly welled up as I realized I was being diagnosed with Lupus, an autoimmune disease where your body’s immune system attacks your own tissues and organs; a disease there is no cure for. Lupus is fairly common and not only is it not fatal, it’s fairly simple to manage with a healthy lifestyle. In fact, my tears weren’t out of fear or worry at all. I was emotional because I finally felt like the answers I’d been running in circles chasing after were finally right in front of me. Things made sense and I was relieved to know that this diagnosis was offering me solutions as well.
A few minutes later, the doctors came in and cut right to the chase. Oddly, the Lupus wasn’t the first thing they wanted to discuss. They had assumed as much when they ran all of my tests based on my story and symptoms. And while they spent a great deal of time discussing the disease with me and making sure I understood where we would go from here, the numbers they were most concerned with were the ones I didn’t understand when I first reviewed them, and the reason they weren’t OK with me delaying my appointment. My testosterone level isn’t the only non-existent hormone, it turns out. Several of the hormones that play a crucial role in preventing breast cancer are also non-existent. Because my grandmother died from the disease when she was my age, I am considered high risk and my doctors wanted me in immediately to start supplementing as much as we could at this stage in the game. Don’t misunderstand: I haven’t been diagnosed with breast cancer. We are still waiting on the results of the genetic testing to get more information, and they obviously want me to get my mammogram as soon as possible. I’m not telling this story to raise alarm or fish for sympathy of any kind. I seriously doubt I have the disease. The concern is that we want to keep it that way. Putting off any kind of treatment knowing what we now know could be disastrous. (Honestly, the thing that upsets me the most is that they won’t prescribe me testosterone!) It’s simply too risky. (I guess I won’t have to start shaving my beard after all.)
A little eery how similar they are.
I tell you all of this in the longest blog post ever to circle back to my initial statement about what a weird month it’s been and how incredibly happy I am about it. There’s been a lot of unexpected change in my life in addition to some pretty significant health diagnoses and yet, I’m not in a closet drinking a bottle of whiskey or laying in bed for days on end watching Friends. Quite the opposite, actually. I spent last night cheering on my son’s football team in subarctic temperatures, taught a worried friend how to test her sick baby’s blood sugar, then spent today enjoying all the changing colors of our gorgeous mountains with my daughter and her two best friends. Yes, there could be trouble ahead. But the trouble is going to come whether I obsess about it or not. Perhaps one of the greatest miracles in my entire life is what I’ve learned the last few months about letting things go. And it’s a little more than ironic that I tattooed that reminder on my shoulder a few days before I might need a little extra help remembering to do just that.
If you run into me, don’t be surprised if I joke with you about needing special treatment now that I have Lupus or possibly breast cancer. I don’t do it to be disrespectful of those fighting for their lives, nor do I actually want special treatment. I’m just so dang excited that the work I’ve done to stay in control of my thoughts and emotions is working! I firmly believe that the Lord works in mysterious ways and even though a year ago I wasn’t sure I could make it another single day, I know I needed all those lessons in order to be ready for any future storms that might cross my path. Let’s be real…there will always be storms. The real power comes when we allow ourselves to experience them and then LET THEM GO.
Taking life one day and one bite at a time,
XOXO ~Ames
