No mistakes, only miracles
For a long time, I’ve said that my last marriage was the biggest mistake of my life. And truthfully, it was definitely the hardest year of my life. You know that feeling when your ears are plugged and you just. can’t. pop. them? It was kind of like that. There was this constant undercurrent of tension for nearly FIVE solid years. The next fight wasn’t a matter of if, just when. There was an energy that constantly hummed right below the surface and it wasn’t a positive energy; it was more like a nails-down-a-chalkboard kinda vibe. I felt calloused and sadistic about almost everything and even though there were good times mixed in there, they felt asterisked.
“Today I was happy!” *after spending the morning fighting. “We didn’t fight today!” *we didn’t see each other at all.
You get my drift.
I spent four and a half years of my life feeling small, insecure, insane, unloved and sadly...unhappy. Filing for divorce only made it worse. I felt like a failure and a disappointment to everyone. I couldn’t shake the feelings of regret - the what-ifs and if-onlys consumed me. When I’d talk to my boys about relationships they were quick to point out that my track record wasn’t one of inspiration. Yuck.
The months before and after my divorce are hard for me to revisit now. I dream that we are back together and I wake up feeling like my heart has just been through the washing machine’s spin cycle all night. I try to conjure up the amount of despair I felt when my life was nothing but quicksand made of anxiety and depression and I can’t do it. Oh, I remember the tears, the prayers and the utter hopelessness I felt but the actual feelings can’t be recreated. In fact, I think of some of the more horrendous parts of the last few years and I almost chuckle to think that I nearly let them ruin me. I was THIS CLOSE to letting it all ruin me.
Why was I thinking about all of this today? When President Monson passed away last night, the story was told of when he was a young bishop and felt a prompting to leave a stake leadership meeting and go visit one of his ward members in the hospital. He didn’t want to be rude so he waited until after the meeting to get up and leave. By the time he got to the hospital, the man had passed away, crying for Bishop Monson at the end. President Monson left the hospital sobbing, vowing to never ignore another prompting. The story is obviously very different from mine, but it’s been in the back of my mind all day today.
Would I be where I am, doing what I’m doing, learning what I’m learning, experiencing all that I’m experiencing if it wasn’t for my recent trials? No doubt, I would not. I made up my mind today that I will no longer refer to my second marriage as my biggest mistake. I will welcome the giggles when I think about how devastated I was and I will be endlessly grateful for the things I’ve learned along the way. I will try to be a little more like our beloved Prophet and stop letting mistakes define me, but rather, teach me. I will look back at the last several years and smile, shake my head and whisper a little “Oh man...”
One of my favorite President Monson quotes floating around today is this:
”Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the wind, the stronger the trees.”
I’m stronger today than I was when this chapter started nearly five years ago and I’m madly in love with my life right now. The winds howled and the storms raged but the roots only grew deeper. I never would have imagined saying that even three short weeks ago but it’s true. I spent the day waterfall hopping on the Hilo side of the island and every stop I made got me all verklempt. I live in paradise. A month ago, I dreaded seeing the sun and spent my life praying for sleep. Today, I have to eeny, meeny, miny, moe my agenda each morning and I’ve yet to finish a day without wishing I had just a few more hours.
To all those who have reached out with their own stories of demons, depression, anxiety and angst, I just want to remind you...IT GETS BETTER. One day soon you will look back on the darkest points of your life and you won’t remember exactly how it felt anymore. You will try, but the happiness that is coming your way will make it impossible to conjure up. I promise. I promise. I promise.
God is good. He listens to prayers and counts each of our tears. He is always willing and ready to help, if we will ask. The atonement is real. Christ didn’t just die for our sins, He takes on our sorrows as well. There is no possible way I would be where I am right now if it weren’t for these truths and I know the same applies for each of you. Miracles are waiting...trust me.
XOXO ~Ames
