Happy anniversary to me!
A year ago today, I accepted a job in Hawaii. I was newly sober after a relapse but still felt like a nervous, anxious wreck living a life I didn’t feel in control of. I was full of regrets, shame and embarrassment and the day that job offer came through, I was equal parts terrified and thrilled at the chance to do a hard reset of my life in the middle of paradise. If you’ve read my blog, you know my few months in Hawaii were the best thing that ever happened to me and the yellow brick road to my truest self.
Flash forward to today - exactly one year later. On one hand, I can’t believe it’s already been a year (until I try to find any hint of a tan); on the other hand, I feel like I’ve grown, learned and changed from a lifetime’s worth of lessons. While I’ve been in recovery enough to never say never, I will say that I’ve never felt more committed to sobriety than I do right now.
As I’ve mentioned many times before, the last few years of turmoil brought on a unprecedented level of anxiety for me. I had never been a particularly anxious person and suddenly I was dealing with it every second of every day. The search for peace and quiet are precisely the reasons for my relapse. I didn’t know any other way to stop the madness. When I decided to stop drinking, I inundated my doctor with requests for the “magic” pill that would make it all go away; only to find I was more acutely aware of my racing heart than ever. It’s taken me a very long time to be able to finally step away from all of the medications I was treating as band-aids and learn how to feel every part of my life…the good, the bad and the ugly.
These days, I meditate for 30 minutes most mornings. Like anyone who meditates, it’s a second-by-second struggle sometimes but it’s the only time of day I can get my resting heart rate to a respectable number. It’s the only time of day when my chest doesn’t feel tight, when my mind gets a break from the constant rush-hour, when I am able to be mindful of every sensation I’m experiencing. Because of this practice, I don’t stress over things I can’t control nearly as much, people don’t make me want to sucker punch them as often and my loud, obnoxious laugh and penchant for inappropriate comments are at their all-time best. It’s been a life changer (albeit annoying to some).
Ok, ok, ok…I’ll get to the point. In my perfect world, (aside from being a full time writer and part time hiker), my dream job is literally to work with people in addiction. Having struggled with a myriad of addictions and detrimental behavioral practices, I have a major soft spot for those who also struggle. My heart aches for those who feel like failures, those who feel like they aren’t in control of their lives, those who desperately want to make the chaos in their heads go away. Because of the successes I’ve had by studying and incorporating more holistic practices in my life, I’ve dreamt of an opportunity that would allow me to put my work experiences as well as my life experiences to good use. A random and difficult set of circumstances a few months ago put me in the most unexpected position to accept a job as the Director of Nursing for Ardu Recovery Center, a brand new detox and recovery center in Provo, Utah.
The fab five...Ardu Recovery Center Directors
To say the stars aligned would be an understatement. From the second I stepped into the construction zone that would soon become Ardu, I knew I was where I was supposed to be at this point in my life. I felt a “coming home” kind of peace that I’ve never felt in relation to what I do for a living. I love being a nurse, don’t get me wrong. But until that moment, everything was always just a job. This is what I was meant to do. Everything I’ve been through over the last several years has prepared me for this place, this position, this life.
The most exciting part of being hired as the director for a start up is the gift of being able to hand pick my staff. I was beyond blessed to be able to put together a literal dream team full of medical personnel with empathy, intelligence, zest for life and GREAT BIG HEARTS. The medical field is one of those unique professions where you know you can make a difference for somebody every single day. The recovery world is that times 10. It’s a world where we celebrate every single time someone falls and decides to get back up. It’s a world where we get to see people come in destitute and leave with clear eyes, hope and confidence. It’s a world where there is no shame in your story - only love and encouragement.
The full time dream teamers (not pictured: a dozen other dream teamers who are equally amazing)
Today, exactly one year from the time I decided to take a chance on me, I had to fight back tears as we welcomed the hundreds of guests that attended our open house. I cried when we cut the “grand opening” ribbon and beamed with pride as I gave tours to all the wonderful people who came out to support us. I also may have cried a little bit when my feet felt like they were breaking inside the ridiculous high heeled boots I wore. A lot may have changed about me but my affinity for comfy attire isn’t ever going anywhere…but that’s beside the point. Today, I felt more alive and more like myself than I have in a very long time; perhaps even for the first time ever. That’s not because I haven’t had an amazing life or amazing experiences. It’s because until recently, I'm not sure I was ever very confident in who I was to begin with.
My name is Amy and I’m an addict/alcoholic. I’m a mom, a friend, a daughter and a sister. I laugh loud, make inappropriate comments and think I’m funnier than I probably am. I am loyal, hard working, kind, intelligent and love with everything I have. I’ve learned that I live a life worth fighting for, that tomorrow is something to be excited about and that inner peace is possible. I am the Director of Nursing for the best damn recovery center in the world and I wouldn’t. change. a. thing.
Our Clinical Director and I will be starting a podcast next week talking about all things addiction, recovery and mental health. I’ll post a link to it as soon as we are up and running. I hope you’ll join us (though I can’t promise I’ll be able to censor myself all the time, I promise I’ll try)!
Thank you to everyone who came out to support Ardu Recovery Center, especially all of our incredibly hard working team. If you or a loved one are ready to pick yourself back up and try again, give us a call. “Ardu” itself means to “rise up” and we have a facility full of the kind of people and treatments to help you do just that.
Here’s to another 24…
XOXO,
~Ames
