Home is my happy place

I’ve been home for five whole days now and so far, these are my favorite things: 

1. Kissing on my kids any time I want.

2. Baseball games.  

3. Driving more than 60 miles per hour and not fearing sirens.  

4. My very own fridge that I can stock with Diet Coke guilt free.  

5. No more boob sweat.  

A day with my girls beats ANY day on an island.  

I’ve spent the week hanging with my kids, deep cleaning my house (and I mean DEEP cleaning. Leaving my home in the care of four 20 year old boys was risky from the start) and unpacking/settling in. I thought I’d be homesick for Hawaii - the warmth, slow pace and stress-free day to day life but surprisingly, I haven’t shed a single tear for the life I left behind. Home is where I’m truly happy and there’s nothing like a little absense to remind me of that. 

Reunited and it feels so good! 

I’ve made many mistakes in my life, particularly over the last several years, and I’ve made no attempt to hide that from anyone. One thing many people may not know is that I have been disfellowshipped from the church for the last seven years. (That’s a topic for another day for those of you who don’t know what that means. But for the sake of this post, let me just say that it’s a loss of privileges within the LDS church that gives the individual a chance to repent, regroup and realign their life with Jesus Christ.) It took me a long, LONG time to get to a place where I was willing to prioritize and commit to my decisions and unfortunately, I missed out on a lot of experiences with people I love as a consequence. 

Long story short, I’ve worked really hard over the last several months to get to a place where I would be worthy to take my case before the Lord and ask for a chance to try again. It was a goal I set for myself while I was in Hawaii and due to logistics and time, I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to get to the specific point I’d hoped to get to before coming home. It wasn’t a “make or break” on my journey and I knew that even if things weren’t settled before heading home that it wouldn’t be long until they were, but it was a hope all the same.

My last week in Hawaii was a series of miracles and after a disciplinary counsel held mid-week, I was welcomed back into full fellowship in the church. On my very last day, I was able to take the sacrament and offer the closing prayer for the first time in seven years. At the end of the meeting, ward member after ward member walked up to the stand and placed leis around my neck as the congregation sung “Aloha ‘Oe” (Farewell to Thee) to me. It was literally one of the sweetest moments of my entire life. 

After the meeting, one of my favorite sisters and the wife of one of the temple sealers came up to hug me. I was ugly crying all over the place by then but she grabbed my shoulders and with tears in her own eyes said something I will never forget:

“Dry your tears, child. You are His. You have His smile. And when you smile, the world knows Him. You did everything you were supposed to do here. Now go home and remember the things you learned and never forget who you are.”  

That night, I stepped onto a plane and closed a chapter in my life that encompasses so much more than my three months in Hawaii. I closed a chapter of searching, of trial and error, of sadness and regret. I stepped onto that plane a completely different person than I’d been the day I first set foot in Hawaii and much to my surprise, I didn’t shed a single tear for the life I was leaving behind. Deciding to move to Hawaii for three months was easily one of the scariest decisions I’ve ever made. But after months of being encouraged to replace my fear with faith, I took the ultimate leap and I can honestly say it was the single best thing I’ve ever done for myself. 

Just a few of the amazing leis from my last Sunday.  

I’ve never been happier or more content JUST THE WAY LIFE IS. OK, OK, OK...I’d still love to lose the 50 lbs I packed on but it’s a small price to pay for the weight that has been lifted from my heart, my mind and my soul. Home really is my happy place.

XOXO ~Ames

PS. You may have seen my “last” social media post where I mentioned I was taking a hiatus for the rest of the year in an attempt to be more present and engaged in life now that I’m home. Aside from this blog and posting it to Facebook, that’s still very much the case. I LOVE your comments and feedback but since I no longer check either my IG or FB accounts, please feel free to leave your comments right here on the blog. (I didn’t realize I’d hadn’t enabled comments on my posts but I changed that today, so comment away!) I do still get messages on FB messenger, I just don’t check it very often. And feel free to shoot me a text or give me a ring and catch up the old fashioned way. (But text before you call because I still won’t answer numbers I don’t recognize. Baby steps people. Baby steps.)