Bambi on ice

Have you ever driven through Beaver, Utah in the middle of a blizzard? I think anyone from Utah can probably say they have at some point.  I obviously try to avoid it at all costs but let me tell you a little story about Monday night.

I had flown into LA to pick up the car I had shipped back from Hawaii. I didn't want to ship it back. I had really hoped to sell it in Hawaii and rid myself of the dang thing but for various reasons, it didn't happen and so I put the thing back on a boat for the mainland. The shipping company only allows pick ups Monday-Friday during business hours and working Monday-Friday made scheduling a time to get it difficult. Add the fact that I am still broke as broke and needed the cheapest flight down possible so my only option was an Allegiant flight out of Provo on a Monday or Friday morning. Oh...and the shipping company charges you $25 a day for storage once it gets there so basically, I had one option - Monday.

One of my lifelong besties is currently living in Hermosa Beach and didn't hesitate to drop everything to pick me up at the airport, fight LA traffic to haul me down to the lot my car was stored at and offer me a place to stay for the night...right on the beach. I wanted to stay. OH, HOW I WANTED TO STAY! But the responsible side of me knew missing another day of work wasn't smart and I knew that a freak storm was scheduled to hit early Tuesday morning, making a Tuesday drive home ridiculous. After a quick stroll along the beach and a rapid fire catch up session, I hugged her goodbye and headed north.

First of all, LA traffic sucks. It took me 2 hours just to get out of the jungle. I was watching the storm pretty closely and knew it was getting more and more likely that I wasn't going to beat it, but I hoped and prayed that I'd at least stay ahead of the worst of it.

A whole post about avoiding a storm seems a little absurd, but let me tell you about this stupid car. It's rear wheel drive and it has these ridonkulous low-profile tires that have about as much traction as the flip flops I was wearing. It's a fun little car on dry roads. It's asinine in any kind of bad weather. I can't tell you how many times the ex-husband had to park at the bottom of our street during a storm because the car wouldn't make it up even the slightest of inclines. He had gotten caught in storms along I-15 and been forced to abandon the car and hitch a ride to soccer tournaments down south more than once. Knowing all of this, I have completely avoided even sitting in it if the weather looks like it might turn on me.

So back to Monday night. I was just starting that big ascent before Beaver at 2am when the flakes started to fall. The roads were dry, the flurries were minimal and I prayed that I would be able to make it home before disaster struck. By the time I'd reached the summit, it was 28 degrees and the snow was coming down so hard and fast that it was making me motion sick. I couldn't see the road for the life of me but every now and then I'd get a glimpse of the white line so I crawled along at 20mph, watching for that line like a hawk.

Long story short, it never got better. It only got worse. The snow was sticking to the road and turning to ice in record time. Everyone was going 20mph except the semis that flew past me, dousing my car with wet sludge and ice so heavy that my wipers couldn't clear it off for what felt like an eternity every time. I'm not exaggerating when I say I could have closed my eyes and listened for the rumble strips and been in better shape than I was trying to see the road.

My wipers were solid ice and were no longer doing anything but smearing snow and sludge across my windshield. My headlights were iced over and I could hear the ice that had built up under my bumper scrape along the road as I drove. I knew I couldn't pull over because (A) if I pulled onto the shoulder there was a 100% chance I would get hit by someone due to zero visibility, and (B) I knew if I pulled far enough off the road to avoid the risk of being hit, I'd get into deeper snow and never be able to get going again. I was in flip flops, didn't have a scraper and was starting to get low enough on gas that I knew I couldn't stop somewhere to wait it out AND keep the car running to stay warm. You can't ship a car with ANYTHING in it so I literally had nothing but my purse and a light sweater. And it was 3am in the middle of nowhere.

I prayed and prayed and prayed for an opening just long enough to get me home safely and it never came. But every time I'd start to tear up and think there was no way I'd make it home in one piece, the snow would let up just enough for me to see the lines on the road again and slow my heart rate down a little. At 4:30am I finally made it to Fillmore, chipped away the ice from my ENTIRE car with my bare hands and the gas station's window washer, topped off my car so I'd have enough fuel to stay warm if I ended up stuck and headed out again. Now, you may be wondering why I didn't just get a room in Fillmore and wait until the roads were cleared in the morning. Legitimate question. But as I mentioned earlier, I really am that broke right now and I literally had just enough cash on me to make the trip. Sounds pathetic, I know. But again, that's a story for another day.

The storm never came close to letting up. The roads weren't plowed, my wipers quickly iced over again and I had to pull off at every exit I came across just to chip away at the frozen layer enveloping my car. Every time I stopped, I'd struggle to get enough traction to get going again and every time I had visions of freezing to death in the middle of nowhere in a car I never wanted in the first place. My hands were cramping from gripping my steering wheel so hard, my heart was pounding so fast it made me lightheaded and my head hurt so bad I was seeing double. It took me 5 hours to get from Beaver to Springville and it was the most horrendous night I can remember in a long time.

And there is a point to this story.

You know the scene in Bambi where he steps onto the ice for the first time? That's what driving this car in the snow is like. I prayed for five hours straight for an opening in the storm that never came but I also prayed that I would be able to control the car and not end up upside down in a ditch, never to be heard from again. Every time the visibility was so bad that I believed the risk of pulling off the road and getting stuck for the night was better than losing control of my car, the snow would slow just enough for me to see the lines and get my bearings again. Not one time did I slip or skid or hydroplane. Not one time, going up and down those passes from Beaver to Fillmore and then Fillmore to Scipio did I feel my wheels lose their grip. At least half of that trip, I couldn't see the lines on the road for more than a few seconds at a time and felt like I was driving blind. Not one time was I able to relax or go faster than 30mph. But every single time I was ready to quit, I got that brief glimpse I needed to drive a little further.

My mom knew I was in the middle of all of this and didn't sleep a wink either. She watched the radar and called hourly to make sure I was OK and she prayed and prayed and prayed too. When we were talking about it the next day she mentioned that at the time, she couldn't understand why the storm only seemed to get worse the harder we prayed. But then it hit her that sometimes that's how life's storms go. We don't get the opening we pray for. The pain doesn't go away, people still lose their jobs or their homes or their loved ones. We struggle and struggle and struggle and we beg for openings that don't seem to come. But right when we want to quit, we are given a tiny glimpse of the lines on the road that remind us we are on the right track, to keep going, that storms can't last forever.

So many miracles happened that night. I felt inspired to maneuver my car or adjust my driving certain ways that I wouldn't have thought of on my own. My little Bambi never once slid during the entire 5 hours it took me to get from Beaver to home. The semis that came awfully close to running me off the road never did and I always managed to get my car going every time I had to stop, regardless of how slick the roads were.

I love being home. I love all the time I'm getting with my kids. I'm loving the little insignificant moments we have when we're just hanging out at my house. I felt incredibly strongly about my decision to keep my own place instead of moving back in with my parents when I got back from Hawaii, even though it meant that financially I would be strapped more than ever. I didn't get a lot of support for that decision from a lot of people who felt like I was being financially irresponsible but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was the right thing to do for me and my kids. And even though I still feel that way, it has nearly broken me a couple of times. I've never been so financially strapped. I have come so very close to calling it quits and moving back in with my parents because it has been so, so hard. I thought it would get easier as I started my jobs (yes, I have two) and started getting steady paychecks again. I thought that I would start to see the light at the end of the tunnel much sooner than I have, yet so many things have only gotten harder and more overwhelming as I've tried to untangle the mess my life was before I went to Hawaii.

Yet somehow, miraculously, I'm still OK. I have a home with electricity and heat/AC (freakin' Utah bipolar weather), a car to drive and gas to make it go. I have food in my fridge and contacts to help me see and (luxuriously) ambien to help me shut my worried mind off at night and sleep. I still have more excess weight than excess cash but I also can hardly hold back my tears on the nights when all of my kids are crammed into my bed watching Stranger Things with me because we can't afford to do anything else. They don't care. They don't complain. They don't ask for things they know I can't give them right now. They are forgiving me and allowing me the chance to make up for the years of bad decisions and reminding me every second that even though I can't see the road ahead most of the time because of the severity of the storm, I'm on the right path and eventually, the storm will let up.

One last note and then I'll wrap up this post that ended up far longer than I'd anticipated.

Since I've been home, my glimpses of the "lines on the road" amidst the storm have been in the form of people reaching out and offering help. I legitimately could not have survived without angels on earth showing up at the exact moment I wanted to quit, offering a solution. I will never be able to properly express my gratitude or pay back the abundance of blessings I've been on the receiving end of. The only thing I can think to do is be more aware of people around me, be more willing to serve, more willing to give what I have to give, more anxious to smile at strangers or stop for pedestrians or spend a few extra minutes talking with lonely patients. I still have so VERY far to go until I'm in a place where I feel like I'm on top of my life again but I'm becoming more and more aware that what we put out in the universe - what we give of ourselves - comes back tenfold. I believe this is as true for all of you as it is for me. We all have something we can give, even if all you have to offer are kind eyes and a warm smile. At this very moment, that's exactly what someone is praying for.

Look around. Commit to do one thing today that will brighten someone's day. I don't care how big or small it is, just do ONE THING today. Then do something tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. You have the opportunity to bless those around you even if you feel you have absolutely nothing to give. You may just be the "glimpse of the white line" someone is desperately seeking at that moment. And I promise, it will bless your life exponentially more than whatever you're giving away may have.

Again, thanks to every single person who’s supported or encouraged me in one way or another. And here's to surviving storms, rescuing one another and learning to wear real shoes when a blizzard is in the forecast. Also, can we all just pray for dry roads for awhile? I mean...it's practically summer folks.

XOXO ~Ames